Chapt3r

Word Count: 1337

Characters (no spaces): 6178

Benoit.

Benoit has had a very exciting week. The highlight of his week came on Wednesday at Adam’s Bar & Boo-gie. A post-renaissance band was playing, their name has probably never vibrated your organ of Corti so I won’t bother you with the particulars, but needless to say they were superbly and utterly amazing. Well, that was his assumption anyways. Adam is apparently a bit hard of hearing and the sound system was set at 11. Benoit heard little, with the exception of ferocious feedback screeching inside his head as his auditory system was overloaded. Needless to say, he got very, very, very, very, very Bolsheviked, blacked out, and made a bed of bile at a local curb with cheap rates and plenty of vacancy. Really, they’re a good studio band, but the albums don’t compare to the live shows!

Benoit is fond of saying, “The last person I remember kissing,” at which point he briefly pauses, giggles, wiggles his eyebrows, and generally uses body language to insinuate a history of binge drinking, blacking out, and, presumably, making out, “is, unfortunately, my ex-girlfriend, that cheating, two-timing, you know what! She always plastered on her makeup like a trollop, dumping her was the best thing I ever did!”

Benoit’s last relationship is a sensitive issue, as the above anecdote suggests. Despite the mean things said and the suggestion that he dumped her, she really broke his heart and he hasn’t quite recovered. Not one to date on the rebound, Benoit has been taking it slow and doesn’t want to move too fast. He is respectful of women and not looking for any cheap one nighters, “At least none that I can remember!” he yells, profusely nudging everyone within reach. Anyways, he’s been “living it up!” as a bachelor for about seven years now. Seven years and five months. Roughly. Seven years, five months, 13 days. Give or take. As of 3PM.

The last thing (alcoholic or otherwise) that Benoit drank was a fifth of Aristocrat to “Get the par-tay started!”

The last time Benoit had something to drink was 11AM this morning.

Benoit, indeed, suffers from a chronic illness, “or two!” “I’ve got a bad case of Tourette’s. That f#%!^*% c(%^ is such a s*#%-brained mongoose-f%&# and she ruined my piss-stained life!” Additionally, accusations of alcoholism are arbitrarily aimed at Benoit. “Doctor’s are all quacks! I’m just a fun machine, it’s not a disease it’s a party!”

“My favorite book is the Phantom Tollbooth. It is the greatest book ever written. Seriously, I’m not even drunk. You have a hole in your life if you have not read it. I’m not kidding. No, SERIOUSLY! A compelling story and unbelievably well crafted. A thicket of puns, word plays, and references, each read produces something new and increases the enjoyment of the book. Read it.”

“Call me sinister, but I’m left handed.”

Benoit is an only child, something he does not regret. He feels that everyone should own all of their parents’ attention and be lavished and spoilt. Though, when pressed, he will admit that it has been somewhat unfortunate that the rest of the world is not as fawning as his parents. “I’m just asking for a few dozen fan-boys and girls. Like 60 tops. I feel that’s reasonable.”

Benoit’s eye color changes with the season. In fall they are a lovely hazel. In winter, a steely grey. In spring a blossoming blood shot red. In summer, lily pad green. “I was hard up for some brew, so I traded them to science for a sixer and four pairs of glass eyes. I live life with no regrets man, no regrets.”

Benoit has several hates: racism, bigoted people, prejudice, inequality, and BBW. “No fat chicks.”

Benoit has several likes: love, peace, animals, tea, travel, sunshine, and anti-immigration legislation. “Unlike your average anti-immigration xenophobe, I actually work as a day laborer, in agriculture, busing tables, and washing dishes; they actually are taking my crappy, low wage, jobs. Gotta look out for number one, kna’ mean?”

Benoit is an anti-smoker. “I don’t have the self-control to avoid cigs, so I feel they should just be outlawed. Plus I want to be able to go wherever I want and not have to deal with that smokey aroma. Smokers should only be allowed within 15 feet of buildings I want to be in, which I estimate to be roughly the middle of the street where they can get hit by cars. Why should I be punished just because I like the hole in the wall charm of a dingy, smokey bar where I can drink and it feels more like a speak easy than a sterile, commercial wasteland? It’s not like there are plenty of places that cater to non-smokers that I can go to.”

Benoit double majored in subtlety and English with a concentration in satire.

Benoit’s favorite subjects in school are lunch and recess! If those aren’t options, then P.E. If that’s not an option then study hall. If that’s not an option then the bus ride. If that’s not an option then this class I took on Deterministic Nonperiodic Flow. “School is cool!”

“My bigest petpeeve be spelling and grammer. If im on the internet and i sea people typing things that are less then perfect, i get super anoyed. i canot count the number of times i had corrected people for misusing “there, their, and they’re!” let alone “your and you’re!” you can be 36-24-36 and if you ain’t no when to use “affect” vs “effect” you can stand on someone elses’s corner! not having all of you’re letters present is a sure way to lose an agrument. once time some kid said that i “mispelled” “the” as “teh” cause i was sozzled and my typin skills are uneven and my right hand goes faster, go figure, and the kid has the audacity to say maybe i shouldnt be correcting everyones grammar and spelling while making mistakes myself. so i said to him “your wrong! nobody whom doesnt know that misspell has a second s could never be write about anything! learn to spell next time, donkey arms!” anyways, i one that round. you getting this down ok? sure? i can edit it for you if you want… alright.”

“Plumbing would deffo be my dream job. A lot of people look down on plumbers, but sooner or later you eat too much and clog the sucker up and then who do you call? A plumber. When your sink is leaking all over your floor, who do you call? A plumber. When you’ve got ectoplasm dripping from your ceiling and onto your furniture who do you call? Well, probably the Ghostbusters would be a good shot, I don’t really have expertise in that area. But if that ectoplasm turns out to be excrement cause your toilet pipe broke somewhere in the walls, you bet your britches a plumber’s gonna be on your line soon enough. I would love to be able to just fix toilets for the rest of my life. You get to meet people from all walks of life. You meet the very wealthy (even billionaires poop) to the very poor. It’s egalitarian like that. Plus you can help out in schools and institutions without having any special learning beyond the mechanics of toilets. I don’t know anything about the French Revolution but if you’re in a private school and it’s got a bidet, be darned sure I can come in and fix that and let you get back to learning with a freshly rinses bum.”

Benoit is known as a musical connoisseur, as he puts it, his musical tastes are “everything!” Despite this, his CD collection consists nearly entirely of post-punk from the United Kingdom circa the late 1970s and early 1980s, with the notable exception of The Philosophy of the World by the Shaggs. “And, of course, I hate country. And rap. I mean really, who listens to that stuff? Ditto for classical. Talk about snoozefest.”

~ by Andrew on 8 July 2008.