Chapter 2

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Franz was not alone in his struggles against the world. His older brother, Albert, existed as well.

Albert has green eyes.

Albert believes that a conspiracy exists whereby deer are covertly taking actions with the intended result of the enslavement and/or extermination of the race we categorize as “human.”

Albert did not always hold these beliefs.

Albert, along with Franz of course (from here on please take for granted that discussions of childhood and growing up with respect to Albert parallel in the obvious respects the developments of Franz in so far as they are brothers. Further mention of Franz in this capacity will be minimal to none), grew up in Suburbia, Virginia. (In his later years, attempting to recapture his youth, Albert attempted to locate Suburbia and his former residence, but was unable to locate it on any map and could not remember his parents referring to it by any other nomenclature and found locals to be incredibly unhelpful in his search, always responding by spreading their arms out, twisting slightly at the hips with a forth and back motion, saying “Just look around,” in total disregard for the irrefutable fact that Albert had never been to this or that location and thus could not possibly recognize it as his home, no matter how hard he looked.) In Suburbia, sprawling fields of grass and acre-sized houses built with the blood of sub-prime mortgages had long displaced predators of any size or consequence. Deer meat, which does not come from cows and is consequentially unfit for consumption by any human with even the measliest quark of dignity, was unpopular. Though animal rights activists had failed to convince anyone that wearing fur was inhumane, fashionistas were able to convince everyone that it was a faux-pas to wear white after Labor Day or deer skins after the Maslenitsa of 1100 C.E. As a result, deer populations flourished.

Growing up, Albert had no fear of deer. Albert saw them prance about his garden in the evenings on occasion and quietly mourned their suicides along highway corridors. Sometimes Albert dreamed of riding them stark nude, unshaven, hair dreadlocked, in an attempt to reconvene with nature or perhaps satisfy some Freudian part of his mind.

Albert became a fine plumber, well respected in the community, hard working, honest, always a smile upon his face. During this time his relationship with deer remained constant, though his connection to nature grew fainter and he dreamt less frequently. At the age of 25, this chapter of Albert’s life came to a close.

Albert had a great aunt. She was really swell. Upon her death, she gave him all of her money. This was a highly substantial quantity, as she had been an immensely successful gold digger. She frequented hospitals for the rich and famous and arranged to be wed to and included in the wills of dozens of millionaires who had already asked for the plug to be pulled and often wanted little more than a buxom blonde to stand by the bed and greet the celebrities rotating in and out of the room paying their condolences. A philanthropist at heart, she frequently paid for plastic surgeries when up-and-coming gold diggers couldn’t bear their natural beauty any longer and opted for the polythene aesthetic.

Albert had little contact with her during her lifetime. Indeed, Albert had never met her. However, Albert was the oldest living male in the family and, having earned her fortune from men, she felt it was appropriate to return her fortune to men. Or, at least, a man.

Albert had heard rumors that money changes a man. Albert decided to substantiate these rumors.

Upon receiving his large lump sum, Albert cut ties with his family. Consequentially, Albert’s story is uncolored by Franz’s trigger finger.

Albert then went round to the abodes of his clientele. Albert handed them, each in turn, a plastic bag of the sort found on the person of a dog walker and dictated, in an understated manner, “Please clean up after yourself from now on.”

Then the deer took over.

Water shortages were becoming increasing problems. Yet, Albert noted, the deer seemed just as complacent as ever, seemingly untouched by thirst. Of course it was obvious. Deer were responsible for making dryers; the water drained from clothes went into their underground reservoirs where they drank to their hearts content while humans struggled to conserve water. Albert immediately destroyed his dryer and hung a clothesline in his yard.

Friends complimented Albert on his new, environmentally friendly ways. “Good to see the wealth hasn’t gone to your head. You’re conserving now more than ever, instead of making lavish purchases.”

Albert promptly corrected them as to his intentions. However, upon realizing that people would rather be slaves to the deer than face the truth–indeed, they rebuked Albert as “absolutely absurd” and other such alliteration–Albert began giving knowing smiles and feigned agreement and chuckled at their “green washing” puns.

Albert began exclusively using the metro as his form of transportation. The vast wastelands of asphalt and the underground tunnels were the right amount of protection from deer. With previously unimagined amounts of leisure time now available, Albert had taken to watching television and had become well aware of just how nefarious deer were. Albert watched transfixed as hunters stepped between a doe and her fawns, isolating the children for a late term abortion, when, unprovoked, the doe reared up and began vehemently kicking the hunter in the face and stomping him. Albert decided it was best not to enter the woods or any other area where plants could grow, as it seemed unwise to challenge the deer on their own turf.

Albert was a skilled pianist, having won accolades for composing the piano accompaniment to John Cage’s 4′33” which Albert frequently played for guests. Now Albert only wrote songs about deer. He went so far as to self-release an album entitled, “Nevermind the Bollocks, Deer are Coming!” Turn magazine raved “Better than the Beatles!” while Stationary Rock gave it a tentative three stars adding the disclaimer that, should it turn out to be a massive success, they would review it again in ten years and give it five stars. Nonetheless, nobody seemed to catch on to the serious politics espoused on the album.

Albert, still willing to warn humanity of its impending doom, began inundating the internet with conspiracy theories concerning how deer would most likely continue their war and what their possible motives could be. By spamming forums, blogs, and various comment sections, Albert began gaining notice for his videos and blogs. In particular, many began to give serious consideration to Albert’s assertion that deer were, despite conflicting claims elsewhere on the internet, responsible for 9/11.

Albert was actually rather baffled that nobody had made the connection before. What got blown up? The World Trade Center. What does trade need to function? Big trucks. What do big trucks need? Asphalt. What do deer hate? Asphalt. Bam. The whole plot was blown wide open.

Albert assumed that when international borders opened up people from the Middle East had moved to the United States of God Bless America. Here they discovered deer. Albert assumed that deer did not live elsewhere in the world because, hell, why would they? America is the greatest nation on earth. Bewildered by these strange creatures, the recent immigrants were fooled into believing every lie they told. However, the story has earlier origins.

In the 1970s C.E. deer made their first attempt to extinguish the human race. They were frequent cavorters with a man named Samson who fell under their influence. They convinced Samson to begin killing people to make way for the promised land. Should he be caught, Samson was instructed to name dogs as his co-conspirators in order to protect deer from suspicion. Samson was caught within a few years, having hardly reduced the human population at all. The deer were greatly distressed.

With the immigrants, the deer used a different tactic. The deer told the immigrants that they, the deer, had once been from the Middle East too. But the evil leaders of America had turned them into animals for not working hard enough for small enough pay. They used a magic spell, code named “freedom,” and freedom had to be taken away and the government destroyed before the deer could return to their normal form. The deer told the immigrants to warn their relatives and friends in their home countries of the great injustices and sorcery going on. As a word of parting, the deer instructed the immigrants not to attempt further contact with the deer and, not wanting to reuse their previous instructions but not being particularly creative, the deer insisted that the immigrants should name gods as their co-conspirators.

On top of all this, Albert insinuated a global cover-up. Side effects of this cover-up included global warming, high gas prices, inflation, restricted civil liberties, sweat shops, drug use, and a general decline in morality.

Shortly after publishing this theory, Albert went missing and is believed to be a detainee at Guantanamo Bay.

~ by Andrew on 2 July 2008.